My girl friend is a junkie...

[HardCore HardHead]

Well firday night i found out that my girl friend is on crack. When questioned she confessed to have been on it for several months, she had kept it from me because she knew i was sXe. I love her with all my heart, but i don't know what to do... :'( She is a realy cool person, she said that she started to cope with stress, now she is addicted. I have asked her to stop and she said she can't. Right now, she is refusing to meet my eyes as she sits next across from me as i type this.... poor Autumn. Any advice is welcome, please try to be considerate.

[xsecx]

Well firday night i found out that my girl friend is on crack. When questioned she confessed to have been on it for several months, she had kept it from me because she knew i was sXe. I love her with all my heart, but i don't know what to do... :'( She is a realy cool person, she said that she started to cope with stress, now she is addicted. I have asked her to stop and she said she can't. Right now, she is refusing to meet my eyes as she sits next across from me as i type this.... poor Autumn. Any advice is welcome, please try to be considerate.

if she wants to stop, she needs to go into treatment.

[xSouthernEdgex]

Well firday night i found out that my girl friend is on crack. When questioned she confessed to have been on it for several months, she had kept it from me because she knew i was sXe. I love her with all my heart, but i don't know what to do... :'( She is a realy cool person, she said that she started to cope with stress, now she is addicted. I have asked her to stop and she said she can't. Right now, she is refusing to meet my eyes as she sits next across from me as i type this.... poor Autumn. Any advice is welcome, please try to be considerate.

Oh man, i feel terrible for you bruh. I just got dumped like 5 minutes or so ago. Me and my girlfriend got into an argument earlier this week over her and a cigarette, But this isn't about me.
I feel the best option you could take is to take this to another level. Either psycholog. therapy or drug rehab. If it doesnt come to that point try and talk to her about other ways of coping w/ stress.
If the relationship does crash because of this and you really love her, i personally, would still pursue a way of helping her w/ her addiction.

I may be more of a help when i calm down myself. i actually came on here for a bit of stress relief because i'm pretty down right now. I wish you the best of luck brother

[HardCore HardHead]

I have no intentions of leaving her over this. She was with me when i kicked my drug problem. I am just spending as much time as i can with her, and giving lame peptalks. She is dead scared that i will leave because of this, if nothing else works i think that will do it. Her mom and dad are getting a devorce and her older bro just recently died in iraq... I am not sure how to possibly help her stress problems other then holding her as much as humanly possible... she seems ok with that plan.

I am sorry about your brake up bro. That hurts, i know. Life goes on, try to stay posi.

Thanks

[chadfitzy]

thats funny you mention that, i just found out my moms been doin crack, i havent seen her for about a month now. you oughta push a little on her to get off, help her even if she dosnt want it because eventually shell be controled by it, sorry man.

[xsecx]

I have no intentions of leaving her over this. She was with me when i kicked my drug problem. I am just spending as much time as i can with her, and giving lame peptalks. She is dead scared that i will leave because of this, if nothing else works i think that will do it. Her mom and dad are getting a devorce and her older bro just recently died in iraq... I am not sure how to possibly help her stress problems other then holding her as much as humanly possible... she seems ok with that plan.

I am sorry about your brake up bro. That hurts, i know. Life goes on, try to stay posi.

Thanks

if she's honestly addicted to crack, she needs to get into a program.

[xCrucialDudex]

thats funny you mention that, i just found out my moms been doin crack, i havent seen her for about a month now. you oughta push a little on her to get off, help her even if she dosnt want it because eventually shell be controled by it, sorry man.

I remember the moment when I found out that my mom casually smokes cigarettes. I felt like I was betrayed by the closest person. I was still a kid and it actually hurt.

I mean that sucks... if it bothers you at all...

[xCrucialDudex]

I have no intentions of leaving her over this. She was with me when i kicked my drug problem. I am just spending as much time as i can with her, and giving lame peptalks. She is dead scared that i will leave because of this, if nothing else works i think that will do it. Her mom and dad are getting a devorce and her older bro just recently died in iraq... I am not sure how to possibly help her stress problems other then holding her as much as humanly possible... she seems ok with that plan.

How old is she?

I'd stick with the following strategy. Her life is her life right? She can do whatever she wants with her body. Make sure she realizes that you understand that BUT you do not approve of what she's doing for a number of reasons (I guess you have a list so I don't have to list them). Don't become over-caring but demonstrate you're ready to help her out WHENEVER she decides she needs your help. Focus on communicating a message that she needs to make up her mind FAST and actually DO something about it. This way she'll realize there's a time limit to staying indecisive and she'll get a feeling of a need to make a change. This should be real subtle. Don't over do it.

If she needs help in making a decision demonstrate that you can help her make it and go through whatever comes after that together with her. Make decision instead of her if necessary and ONLY if there's an absolute need.

Remember that sometimes a woman needs a strong man who can make a decision for her and actually LEAD her. It doesn't mean you should become a controlling jerk, though.

Just make it clear what she's doing isn't just right. Be considerate and cool. Demonstrate you're willing to help if she needs your help. Stay fun and positive, take her out somewhere and do some crazy (in a good sense) things together so that she doesn't have time for crack.

You get my thinking by now and I guess you can develop the idea even further.

Hope this helps.

[mouseman004]

I remember the moment when I found out that my mom casually smokes cigarettes. I felt like I was betrayed by the closest person. I was still a kid and it actually hurt.

I mean that sucks... if it bothers you at all...

I don't really see the connection between a parent doing crack, and your mom smoking cigarettes. My dad smokes, I don't like it because its not good for him, but it in no way affects my relationship with him or my opinion of him.

[xCrucialDudex]

I don't really see the connection between a parent doing crack, and your mom smoking cigarettes. My dad smokes, I don't like it because its not good for him, but it in no way affects my relationship with him or my opinion of him.

Point it she was hiding that she was smoking cigarettes AND I was a kid, faithfully believing she was not smoking (while her friends did in front of me) so the truth came out like a bad surprise one day.

[XAdrenalineX]

Remember that sometimes a woman needs a strong man who can make a decision for her and actually LEAD her.

Bullshit.

This would just wreck my head. I am not someone's poor little damsel in distress for him to care for.

[xsecx]

How old is she?

I'd stick with the following strategy. Her life is her life right? She can do whatever she wants with her body. Make sure she realizes that you understand that BUT you do not approve of what she's doing for a number of reasons (I guess you have a list so I don't have to list them). Don't become over-caring but demonstrate you're ready to help her out WHENEVER she decides she needs your help. Focus on communicating a message that she needs to make up her mind FAST and actually DO something about it. This way she'll realize there's a time limit to staying indecisive and she'll get a feeling of a need to make a change. This should be real subtle. Don't over do it.

If she needs help in making a decision demonstrate that you can help her make it and go through whatever comes after that together with her. Make decision instead of her if necessary and ONLY if there's an absolute need.

Remember that sometimes a woman needs a strong man who can make a decision for her and actually LEAD her. It doesn't mean you should become a controlling jerk, though.

Just make it clear what she's doing isn't just right. Be considerate and cool. Demonstrate you're willing to help if she needs your help. Stay fun and positive, take her out somewhere and do some crazy (in a good sense) things together so that she doesn't have time for crack.

You get my thinking by now and I guess you can develop the idea even further.

Hope this helps.

have you had a girlfriend? one that let's you essentially control her?

[Just-a-fool]

In most cases i'd say let them do with their life what they want.
But since a relationship is a bit different... just stick with her.
You say she was with you when you stopped drugs,
i'm sure that was a lot of help and i'm sure she could use the
same kind of help.

[xCrucialDudex]

have you had a girlfriend? one that let's you essentially control her?

Are you saying I was suggesting to control his girlfriend? If so that's not what I actually said. Read again. I was talking about leading. Leading and controlling are two different concepts.

[xsecx]

Are you saying I was suggesting to control his girlfriend? If so that's not what I actually said. Read again. I was talking about leading. Leading and controlling are two different concepts.

the way it's coming across is controlling, so yes it does appear that's what your suggesting. In a healthy relationship one partner doesn't really lead the other. You lead soldiers not girlfriends. You also didn't answer the question.

[xCrucialDudex]

the way it's coming across is controlling, so yes it does appear that's what your suggesting. In a healthy relationship one partner doesn't really lead the other. You lead soldiers not girlfriends. You also didn't answer the question.

It's not as much about relationship as it's more about how people work in groups. Someone always have to make decisions and take responsibility at one or another point. It can always be one person and thus ultimately be a leader or the leadership role may be interchanged among two or more people. Whatever scheme there's a leader. If you're uncomfortable with the idea that in a romantic relationship there is or even should be a clearly defined leader that's a different story.

Leading girlfriends as soldiers is surely a bad idea. Leading girlfriends in a way that communicates you're a man that's in control of himself and situation you're in at the present moment is different. Leading doesn't mean controlling partner or telling her/him what to do. Leading in a context of romantic relationship is more about taking care of where the relationship is going.

[xsecx]

It's not as much about relationship as it's more about how people work in groups. Someone always have to make decisions and take responsibility at one or another point. It can always be one person and thus ultimately be a leader or the leadership role may be interchanged among two or more people. Whatever scheme there's a leader. If you're uncomfortable with the idea that in a romantic relationship there is or even should be a clearly defined leader that's a different story.

Leading girlfriends as soldiers is surely a bad idea. Leading girlfriends in a way that communicates you're a man that's in control of himself and situation you're in at the present moment is different. Leading doesn't mean controlling partner or telling her/him what to do. Leading in a context of romantic relationship is more about taking care of where the relationship is going.

How many relationships have you had where it worked like that? You seem to be fixated on antiquated gender roles that don't really exist and aren't really based on anything. How can you be a man that is in control of himself and the situation and not be in control of the girlfriend, since that's the situation. Leading actually does involve telling other people what to do. I'd also like to know how you can take care of how the relationship is going, from one side without controlling it?

[xCrucialDudex]

How many relationships have you had where it worked like that? You seem to be fixated on antiquated gender roles that don't really exist and aren't really based on anything. How can you be a man that is in control of himself and the situation and not be in control of the girlfriend, since that's the situation. Leading actually does involve telling other people what to do. I'd also like to know how you can take care of how the relationship is going, from one side without controlling it?

Often times a woman in a relationship takes a stance where she prefers to be told what to do and expects her man to make a decision or do something. Does that ring a bell? That man who makes a decision he's expected to or does what must be done essentially plays a role of a leader (thus telling her what to do and actually "controlling" her and basically LEADING). No gender roles theories or anything. That simple.

[xsecx]

Often times a woman in a relationship takes a stance where she prefers to be told what to do and expects her man to make a decision or do something. Does that ring a bell? That man who makes a decision he's expected to or does what must be done essentially plays a role of a leader (thus telling her what to do and actually "controlling" her and basically LEADING). No gender roles theories or anything. That simple.

how many relationships have you had?

dude, you have some fucked up ideas about relationships and women if you think that's how things should be.

[HardCore HardHead]

*sigh* I got her into rehab. This whole leading/controlling stuff is bullshit. It would be impossible to control Autumn even if I thought it to be nesicary. We are equal so leading is kind of hard, and totaly pointless.

[xsecx]

*sigh* I got her into rehab. This whole leading/controlling stuff is bullshit. It would be impossible to control Autumn even if I thought it to be nesicary. We are equal so leading is kind of hard, and totaly pointless.

good luck dude. the unfortunate reality is that it's up to her and hopefully she'll be able to make the most out of the program and get sober.

[HardCore HardHead]

Yeah, she is strong and driven. I do not understand how she fell in with it but she definantly wants to stop. We talked about my problem and i know from what she says she is hooked. I kicked mine by my self so i hope her being in some padded cell with an I.V. will help. I am not queit so mind numbing worried right now, it just brings back memorys i would rather die then relive. i swear sXe saved my life. Maybe now she will understand.

[xCrucialDudex]

how many relationships have you had?

dude, you have some fucked up ideas about relationships and women if you think that's how things should be.

Okay so if you think my point of view is fucked up tell me how things actually are. I'm really interested in your perspective.

[xsecx]

Okay so if you think my point of view is fucked up tell me how things actually are. I'm really interested in your perspective.

So I'm going to make the assumption that you haven't had any relationships, or at least none that have worked the way you described.

In a situation like this you can't make anyone do anything. You can't lead them. All you can really do talk to them about the situation and see what they want to do. Sobriety has to be chosen by the individual not forced on them by outside powers. What you describe isn't realistic and doesn't really work in a relationship of any value. Women are completely capable of making their own decisions and don't need to be told what to think, which is what you implied.

[xCrucialDudex]

Some I'm going to make the assumption that you haven't had any relationships, or at least none that have worked the way you described.

In a situation like this you can't make anyone do anything. You can't lead them. All you can really do talk to them about the situation and see what they want to do. Sobriety has to be chosen by the individual not forced on them by outside powers. What you describe isn't realistic and doesn't really work in a relationship of any value. Women are completely capable of making their own decisions and don't need to be told what to think, which is what you implied.

This does make a lot of sense but first of all I'd love to say that it is quite possible to make anyone do anything. It's not that easy but there's a high rate of possibility. The point is not to make someone do something against their will, though.

Sobriety, in a context of a situation described by the topic starter, does not necessarily "has to be chosen by individual" as you suggest although this is a truly one best solution. In a situation like this I'd ask myself if I could let her choose staying an addict. I think I would not. If she can't make up her mind about being a drug addict on her own I'd rather apply some "control" and force her to make up her mind about making up her mind.

Now you tend to associate a lot of negativity with this approach and I don't exactly see why. It's not an attempt to control someone for your selfish benefit rather help them make up their minds and get them moving.

Believe it or not I've had relationships where it worked this way and partners didn't feel like I was "controlling" them rather helping them out and generally speaking they felt grateful for taking initiative and getting things moving along and eventually done.

One girl dumped her boyfriend she had stuck with in a relationship and didn't really want to be around with anymore (who was basically classic controlling jerk who'd call her and start a scandal on the phone if she was late for a couple of minutes on her way back home from university -- and I'm not exaggerating) "with a little bit of my help" but it was not me forcing her to do anything she didn't want to.

In fact she was glad I had helped her come to terms with what she really wanted from her life at that point and also helped her start moving along and provided support for *her to do what she really wanted to*.

And it was done by a lot of talking, calling to her reasoning and basically creating a situation where she couldn't stay indecisive (she had been for years. literally.) anymore by softly and promptly reminding her of the problem she had got on her hands. And it wasn't me who defined her problem but her. It wasn't really "controlling" with a bad meaning.

I lead her towards what she really wanted and if that's what you would call "controlling" let it be so. But I don't really see all the negativity you're trying to associate with this act. She didn't either.

This is just one real-life example. I have some more but I think this one alone will suffice.

And please note that I didn't really say that women aren't capable of making their own decisions whatsoever or constantly need to be told what to do. I said *sometimes* and I know a lot of people, both men and women, who share this point of view.

[xsecx]

This does make a lot of sense but first of all I'd love to say that it is quite possible to make anyone do anything. It's not that easy but there's a high rate of possibility. The point is not to make someone do something against their will, though.

Sobriety, in a context of a situation described by the topic starter, does not necessarily "has to be chosen by individual" as you suggest although this is a truly one best solution. In a situation like this I'd ask myself if I could let her choose staying an addict. I think I would not. If she can't make up her mind about being a drug addict on her own I'd rather apply some "control" and force her to make up her mind about making up her mind.

Now you tend to associate a lot of negativity with this approach and I don't exactly see why. It's not an attempt to control someone for your selfish benefit rather help them make up their minds and get them moving.

Believe it or not I've had relationships where it worked this way and partners didn't feel like I was "controlling" them rather helping them out and generally speaking they felt grateful for taking initiative and getting things moving along and eventually done.

One girl dumped her boyfriend she had stuck with in a relationship and didn't really want to be around with anymore (who was basically classic controlling jerk who'd call her and start a scandal on the phone if she was late for a couple of minutes on her way back home from university -- and I'm not exaggerating) "with a little bit of my help" but it was not me forcing her to do anything she didn't want to.

In fact she was glad I had helped her come to terms with what she really wanted from her life at that point and also helped her start moving along and provided support for *her to do what she really wanted to*.

And it was done by a lot of talking, calling to her reasoning and basically creating a situation where she couldn't stay indecisive (she had been for years. literally.) anymore by softly and promptly reminding her of the problem she had got on her hands. And it wasn't me who defined her problem but her. It wasn't really "controlling" with a bad meaning.

I lead her towards what she really wanted and if that's what you would call "controlling" let it be so. But I don't really see all the negativity you're trying to associate with this act. She didn't either.

This is just one real-life example. I have some more but I think this one alone will suffice.

And please note that I didn't really say that women aren't capable of making their own decisions whatsoever or constantly need to be told what to do. I said *sometimes* and I know a lot of people, both men and women, who share this point of view.

the general consensus is that unless sobriety is chosen by the person with the addiction, it most likely won't stick because they're doing it for the wrong reason. Everything you've outlined and said is that you should make it your job to convince someone to do something and that's something I completely disagree with. If someone wants help, you help them, but you can't and shouldn't try and force someone to get help because if you do it will most likely not work and backfire on you. You can't make someone want to be sober, they have to want it for themselves.

[CarlaRant]

Often times a woman in a relationship takes a stance where she prefers to be told what to do and expects her man to make a decision or do something. Does that ring a bell? That man who makes a decision he's expected to or does what must be done essentially plays a role of a leader (thus telling her what to do and actually "controlling" her and basically LEADING). No gender roles theories or anything. That simple.

But it does fall under the gender role theory. It's assuming that the woman in the relationship is not strong enough emotionally or mentally to make the right decision for herself, so the man must take control of the situation. It's the same bullshit fundamentalist Christian men preach at the Promise Keepers conventions. True, socially someone in a group setting often takes charge and becomes the de facto leader, but the others involved must make the conscious decision to follow this leader. Even so, the group dynamic typically involves feedback and consensus. This theory does not apply to personal relationships that are built on trust, communication, and respect. In fact, there is more of a possibility that someone (either gender) can be manipulated because of the emotions included.

[x JAMES x]

if she's honestly addicted to crack, she needs to get into a program.

I completley agree with this. Addiction is a diasease.

[HardCore HardHead]

It is a self inflicted problm that you conshusly don't want to solve but sub conshusly know is wrong. It is the weirdest thing in the world. Your main train of thought and your body screaming for something and your consunce telling you are being a fool. Its hard to explain, if you have never experinced it dont judge some one who is going trough it. You have no idea.

(horrible at spelling)

[x JAMES x]

It is a self inflicted problm that you conshusly don't want to solve but sub conshusly know is wrong. It is the weirdest thing in the world. Your main train of thought and your body screaming for something and your consunce telling you are being a fool. Its hard to explain, if you have never experinced it dont judge some one who is going trough it. You have no idea.

(horrible at spelling)

I'm not judging anybody, I went to rehab at 15 years old for Alcoholism and Marijuana addiction. I know how it feels.

[x.Xmiss_SmogX.x]

It is a self inflicted problm that you conshusly don't want to solve but sub conshusly know is wrong. It is the weirdest thing in the world. Your main train of thought and your body screaming for something and your consunce telling you are being a fool. Its hard to explain, if you have never experinced it dont judge some one who is going trough it. You have no idea.

(horrible at spelling)


I really hope she can get through this, you sound like a great support for her and she is lucky to have that as it will help her loads :)