dating someone who drinks heaily

[666sxe]

New to the forum. Joined because I've been going through a rough time with a girl I'm seeing and I can't decide if I'm being ridiculous and petty or not.

I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. It's something I'm quite proud of. I started dating this girl several months ago. She's a BIG drinker. She tells me stories of drinking a case of beer with her friend like it was no big deal, sitting outside on a patio of a restaurant drinking the day away, etc. Several times, she has come over for dinner and drinks an entire bottle of wine. I said I was worried -- not about her becoming an alcoholic, but because it's hard for me to be around people who drink a lot. I love her, so I was worried we were heading into deal breaker territory.

I'm totally fine with people drinking in moderation. My problem has always been excess. People who idolize alcohol, talk about it endlessly, how drunk they got, how drunk they're going to get, etc. Bragging about it really bothers me. She was one of those people, a sorority girl in college, now in her late 20s, and it's still a large part of her life. She's always referencing it. So, I asked her not to talk about it. It upset me. She was respectful, even toned down how much she drinks around me and even when she's not around me.

However, it still makes me uncomfortable knowing she is a part of this "Idolize Alcohol" culture. This weekend, a friend is in town and she said, "It's going to be a weekend of heavy drinking -- don't judge me!" I said I wouldn't. But I have been losing a lot of sleep over this. My friends, who drink (albiet not nearly as much as my girlfriend), say I'm overreacting.

Is there anyone on this forum who is in a relationship with someone who is not straightedge? Is it easy? Is it difficult? How do you come to terms with being around something that makes you uncomfortable or isn't part of your lifestyle? Am I overreacting? She is a great girl and I love her, but this is a real REAL concern. I think it's a concern for her too, because she told me she sits around with her friends discussing the fact that I don't drink.

[rodrigo]

hey there, i'm not dating a woman who drinks, but i did in the past. to tell you the truth, she never drank that much but it did bother me when she talked about alcohol or wine to me, and that ended up being one of the things that led me to lose interest in her. at this point in my life, i wouldnt date someone who drinks or smokes or do any kind of drugs. being straight edge may not be the most important part of my life right now, but it does reflect heavily on the way i live and how i relate to people. i'm not one to give dating advice anyways, but if it's bothering you and it's bothering her, you either get a compromise that makes you both happy, or it'll be a thorn thats going to bother you and her constantly.

[xsecx]

I've done it in the past but never with anyone that would drink to get drunk on any kind of regularity. I'm sure it can work for some people, but I'm not one of them. It's something I believe in strongly and would always lead to conflict. I ultimately ended up marrying a straight edge girl, and while we have disagreements sometime, drugs and alcohol is never one of them. It sounds like while you like her, you're both really different people.

[666sxe]

i appreciate the comments and insights. i want to try and make the relationship work, but knowing that she was out drinking last night upset me terribly.

[CarlaRant]

It's obvious that your feelings are that of concern for her health and safety, as well as a question of compatibility.

I am married to someone who is not straightedge. Fortunately, he doesn't drink very often and when he does it's usually only one beer. There have only been three times I could say that he was drunk. All three times he was in a safe place around people he could trust with at least one person who was sober. He did not drink in excess because to rid himself of some pain or because he has an addiction, but because it was the social norm (1 bachelor's party, 1 trip to Vegas, and a St. Patrick's Day party).

However "reasonable" these situations may have been, it still bothered me. I worry about his safety and health and it frustrates me to see him reduced from a handsome, intelligent man to a rambling idiot. It's just not attractive and it was hard to come to terms with as a wife. We talked about it; he even offered to stop drinking again, but I knew eventually that would cause bigger problems. It was something that I needed to determine if I could handle and figure out specific methods of doing so. Obviously I decided it was not a deal breaker for me.

Your girlfriend sounds like she is struggling with trusting you. If she is worried that you are judging her, that's an issue. If you're losing sleep over the situation, it's time to talk.

[666sxe]

thank you so much for your post, carla.

my problem is attached to the judgements and decisions a person makes to willfully and happily drink so much that it turns them into a drunken mess. I don't respect it at all. One beer, two beers, fine. A glass or two of wine. Fine. But when you're out three days in a row with the sole purpose of drinking ... I really take issue with someone's decision making process. It's unhealthy. It's bad for you. And, on a personal level, it makes me worry about her safety and her long term issues (alcoholism?).

the real issue i have is this "culture clash" -- she thinks everything goes better with a lot of booze. i question that.

she obviously feels judged, because we've spoken about it a few times. I don't mean to judge her, but I honestly don't know how to bring this issue up in a tone or conversation that isn't judgemental, because the truth is, I do judge people who make poor decisions.

[666sxe]

quick update, we had a very lengthy discussion last night about her drinking. she got upset, which i understand -- anyone would when they're feeling attacked or judged. but we spoke at length and she asked what i ultimately wanted, and i said to be more aware of how her drinking bothers me, to not do it in front of me, and when she's out, to cut her consumption in half. it was unrealistic for me to say never again, which though that's what I'd want, is unfair to her. she said she would try her hardest.

i told her i judged the decision making process of someone who continues to order more and more. she tried to use the "well i am getting older now, so I can't be so irresponsible" line. i shot that down quick and told her youth was not an excuse to be reckless. we talked about how we want kids and how we'll raise them, which is where a lot of my real concern lies.

we'll see what happens.

[xsecx]

quick update, we had a very lengthy discussion last night about her drinking. she got upset, which i understand -- anyone would when they're feeling attacked or judged. but we spoke at length and she asked what i ultimately wanted, and i said to be more aware of how her drinking bothers me, to not do it in front of me, and when she's out, to cut her consumption in half. it was unrealistic for me to say never again, which though that's what I'd want, is unfair to her. she said she would try her hardest.

i told her i judged the decision making process of someone who continues to order more and more. she tried to use the "well i am getting older now, so I can't be so irresponsible" line. i shot that down quick and told her youth was not an excuse to be reckless. we talked about how we want kids and how we'll raise them, which is where a lot of my real concern lies.

we'll see what happens.
good luck. I'd be worried though when people make changes for the person they're with instead of because they want to. If she wanted to cut down drinking because she was aware there was a problem, it'd be one thing. But if she feels like you're stopping her do something that she actually still wants to do, it'll eventually lead to conflict and resentment. I'm hoping for your sake that she cuts down and realizes on her own that it's for the best.